Excuses and ways

At some point, I was faced with a quote by the late American author and speaker Jim Rohn - a quote that, in all its scary simplicity, goes as follows:

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

It's scary because it's so obviously right - and because we are all able see it if we look at ourselves in the mirror. It's so easy to find an excuse why something will not succeed, and therefore why I should just as well spare the effort making an attempt. But maybe, we should rather become better to look ourselves in the eyes and ask whether this this thing really is something we want to happen. And if we want to - well, then it is just find the way to go, and make it clear to oneself that excuses are no longer on the agenda. And it goes for everything - from jogging on a daily basis to the really great choices in life. (Translated from Undskyldninger og veje, originally published June 21, 2013)

Why? No - Why not?!

One of the most terrible phrases I know is "toxic relationships". The worst thing about it is that the phrase covers something that is at least as terrible as the expression itself. That is, people involved in relationships with other people without any positive contribution. Rather, it is the opposite; they only drain each other for energy in a non-constructive way. At worst, it is directly harmful to those involved because it harms their mental well-being.
Ideally, when we relate to other people, we do it to make a contribution to each other. To make each other better, as they say in the world of sports. We bring our diversity, enjoy the fact that others are not identical to ourselves, and together we form a unity larger than the parts that it consists of. As in the world of sports, thus also in workplaces and in relationships.
But sometimes things go wrong. Typically, it is in relationships that were originally good, but where the parties forgot what it was that back in the day made their relationship better than the parts it consisted of. Where people have found (as we say in Danish) the holes in the cheese, focused on them and let them grow so big that it is impossible to see what one once saw. Colleagues, who once worked well together, are now stuck in a psychologically bad work environment that they basically created together. Married couples who promised each other to love and to cherish each other until death did them part, but now live together as cat and dog, where people around them hardly remember when the fighting parties recently exchanged a loving word.
And you can ask yourself: why? Why do colleagues insist on ignoring that the salary they earn is expensive money to pay for the lack of psychological welfare that the get in return? Why do couples stay together for the sake of their children, but do the children no good by letting them experience Mum and Dad treat each other in a way that has nothing to do with loving relationships?
But maybe you should rather ask yourself: why not? Why do they not get together, look at each other and one self and consider what in the world they are doing? And start getting back to what initially made them know the other party as someone who could contribute to a relationship that was larger than its individual parts?
See, "why not" is probably the better question. And it should not be harder to ask yourself or others than "why?"
(Translated from Hvorfor? Nej, hvorfor ikke?!, originally published February 22nd, 2018)

On the topic of friends and haters

The other day, I came across a quote, which made me think. Actually, I think there is a lot of things to think about in the simple one-liner: “if your friends no longer serve your interests, ditch them, they have become haters".
One thing is: what kind of friends are these? Among true friends: sometimes I serve your interest, sometimes you serve mine, sometimes we are too absorbed with our own problems to serve any other interests than our own - but in general, over time, our mutual sum of interests are better served when we do it together as friends than they would have been, had we not been friends. That a friend for some time does not serve my interests does not automatically make her a hater - what has the risk of turning her into a hater is if I started seeing her as such. If the "friendship" is of a more superficial kind, there might of course be some truth in it - but seeing friends as a commodity that can be ditched (and perhaps even replaced with more superficial friendships) if they don't serve my interests will not end me up with really trusted friends that I can turn to anytime if the going gets tough. The interesting thing is: most of us have old friends that we might not be in touch with as frequently as we once were (and we might not actively serve each other's interest as much as we once did) - but if we really needed them, they would come to our rescue without asking a single question. That they do not continuously serve our interests does not make them lesser friends than before. Just as I am not a lesser friend even if I do not continuously serve their interests - I will be there for them without hesitation, when they really need me.
Another thing is: if friends really become haters (and I do not see this as happening just because for some time they do not serve my interests) - why does this happen? I think it is always relevant to find the underlying reason - as it might be something I have done that made this happen, and therefore, I should perhaps better my ways rather than ditch the people who cared for and trusted the better version who once was me. Otherwise, it might just turn more friends into haters and I will end up becoming a very lonesome person.
But sure - if friends really become haters for no apparent reason, the end of the friendship can be a very possible consequence.
And of course - the underlying question that I should have addressed up front, I see now: what does it mean "to serve my interests" - is it something that my friends actively do - or is it enough that they do not work against my interests? I personally think that the latter is quite sufficient, I can even understand it, if my friends work against my interests from time to time. Maybe this is a sign for me that my interests are not always optimal?
But the one-liner “if your friends no longer serve your interests, ditch them, they have become haters" I find dangerous. It might very well cause people to ditch what they should have cherished as long-term trusted friendships.
Translated from "Noget om venner og modstandere"

On the topic of being a wall

Man is, as it has been known for centuries, not an island; if John Donne had not found out, we would have seen it again and again. I am in no position to deny that Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein can have made their groundbreaking discoveries on their own; there are no stories about who was doctor Watson to the Sherlock Holmes of Thomas Edison, and Johann Sebastian Bach is not known as a participant in an artists' collective - but we who are of more average intelligence do best, when we have someone to bounce our ideas against.
Not because I am unable to get an idea every once in a while - but actually, I find one of the most interesting things for me to do is to act as a wall to the balls that people around me need to bounce to refine their ideas. Most likely, I would have been better as doctor Watson than I would have been as Sherlock Holmes.
(Translated from Noget om at være en mur, originally published May 9th, 2012)

What to do?

The headline sounds like abandoning hope - but in fact it is meant as the exact opposite; a very affirmative message. It's about how we put our resources to the best use - I also got a response to the same event where I got the anecdote from yesterday. According to Mr. Farber who told the anecdote as well as the following, it is so very simple:

Do what you love in the service of people who love what you do.

Now, this is a beautiful insight to start one's day on. Now, there are only two things left to do: find out whether you love what you do, and whether the people you do it for actually love what you are doing. Well, maybe three things to do - if you cannot give a positive answer to both of the previous questions, it might be a good idea to start figuring out how to turn either of the answers into a resounding Yes!
(Translated from Hvad skal man gøre?, originally published September 30th, 2013)